Bert's Interview With playboy

At a recent sold-out show in Chicago, Bert McCracken wanted to apologize to his fans. "I'm sorry we couldn't play for you the last time we were in town," he announced. It's hard to imagine the cackling lead singer of the Used -- who's as well-known for his back flips and onstage vomiting as he is for his screaming hardcore -- canceling a concert for any reason. The cause of his no-show? "I was having problems with my testicles that day."

When Bert's not on tour (and his family jewels are intact) he often slips into his notorious TV role as Kelly Osbourne's boyfriend. Excuse us: make that ex-boyfriend. Bert broke up with America's surly teen sweetheart -- with whom he shares a matching heart tattoo on his left pinky -- on Valentine's Day. "I'm just fucking retarded," he confessed to Playboy.com. "I'm 20 years old and scared of commitment, and I can't tell her that." We listened to Bert as he drowned his sorrows into a few rounds at a hotel bar. In the process, he shared more than a few stories about his semi-famous sex life with (and without) Ozzy's girl.

1. You were raised Mormon in Utah. Did that give you a lot of sexual hang-ups?

Bert McCracken: Yeah. I mean, you can't have sex until you're married if you're Mormon. The first time I had sex, my parents found out. They were listening in on the phone while I was talking about sex to my girlfriend. They freaked out, man. They both cornered me in my bedroom. I didn't really say anything. I had nothing to say. I didn't feel like I had done anything bad, but I didn't want to make my parents more upset.
2. We hear you occasionally bat for the other team.

BM: My obsession with kissing boys is purely for fun. You know, like worshipping Satan is fun. [Laughs] It's funny and it's fun to kiss boys. I asked Marilyn Manson for a kiss on the lips and he gave me one. It wasn't a big deal. His girlfriend [Playboy cover girl Dita von Teese] didn't care. She's got nothing to worry about. She's hot! I've got her issue of Playboy.
3. Have you ever used alcohol or drugs as an aphrodisiac?

BM: Alcohol, yes. Drugs, yes. When my first girlfriend from high school and I started living together, we were both drug addicts. We did drugs and we fucked for hours. I was definitely a fan of crystal methamphetamine, but not anymore. I like Coronas now. Had some great sex smoking weed, too.
4. What about the worst sex you've ever had?

BM: I met this really insane girl at Warped Tour last year. She ran to my bus right after I played. I had no idea who she was. It was pretty awful. She was completely wasted, and it didn't mean anything to me. I try not to have a lot of one-night stands. I have had a girlfriend for a while, but we broke up. It's a sad, sad story.
5. How did you and Kelly split up?

BM: I did it over the phone. I'm such a dickhead. She's the most important girlfriend I've ever had. We're best friends. It was just always so pleasant when she was around. And it smelled better. [Laughs] I've been down in the dumps. I want to be with her, but I just can't. I don't want to date other girls. I'm just not ready for a relationship, period, let alone a huge, public relationship. I just hope that someday I can maybe be with someone as good and perfect as she is.
6. Did you and Kelly have a lot of good sex?

BM: She's adventurous. I don't know if her mom and dad would like me talking about it.... I think one of the first things [Ozzy] ever said to me was, "No sex with my daughter."
[Pauses]
OK. We were in town shooting our video for Buried Myself Alive. She has these [chauffeurs] that drive her around, and they were taking me back to the airport. One of her friends was up in the front seat with the driver, and Kelly jumped in the back and we made love in the back seat of the SUV. It was really sweet. She's back in LA right now, crying about some stupid boy who broke her heart.
7. On one episode of The Osbournes, Jack suggested you didn't have a clean sexual bill of health.

BM: I don't even know where he came up with the shit he was talking about. He said that people in my band call me "cauliflower dick" because I fucked a lot of girls. Which, well, I did have sex with a lot of girls last year. I'm not going to lie. It was my first year out touring. But I don't know why he came up with all that shit. Maybe he was jealous that I was dating his sister. Maybe he's jealous that he'll never be able to do what I do. How could he? Even Kelly doesn't get the respect that she deserves because she's Ozzy's daughter. But he could never sing in a band. It just wouldn't work. Plus, he's not as good-looking as I am. [Laughs]
8. Does Kelly have nice lingerie?

BM: She has the dopest clothes ever. She has all these little cute undies. She had this cute little purple underwear that she would wear. I don't know if she ever wore them special for me, but I think she did a few times.
9. Are purple panties your fetish?

BM: Maybe they are. [Smiles] I like a girl who's really soft and sweet, who touches my hands a lot, who kisses my stomach.
10. Let's head a little further south. Do you prefer to give or receive?

BM: Give. I love eating pussy. It's my favorite thing, besides rock and roll. The taste is really soft, and it's really amazing to see a woman getting pleasure from me.
11. Do you ever watch porn?

BM: Sometimes. Not with Kelly. One time we watched The Ozzporns together to check it out. It was pretty ridiculous. The girl that played her was so horrible. She was just some skinny white trash chick. But we've never watched porn to get turned on. She's totally not into porn.
12. What's better than sex?

BM: Sometimes kissing is better than sex. Especially kissing someone for the first time. My first kiss with Kelly was really special. We were on the beach. I leaned in to kiss her, and she turned her head away, so I thought she didn't want to kiss me. She's really shy. And then we both kind of moved in at the same time. She's got the perfect lips, too. She's the best kisser in the whole world. She's really good with her tongue, and she doesn't spit all over the place. Well, if the moment's right, she'll spit all over the place. [Laughs]